To the Love Called Granny

“You just lost someone and in this case either you can grieve on losing that person or can smile thinking about the wonderful time you spent with that person or do both. A complex situation isn't it? What will be your feelings...share with us!!”

Mrigank just asked this question in Indiblogger on Indispire to which fire of thoughts got liberated from many Indibloggers. And here is mine - "I don't have an after-state , for I'm not yet out of the grief and not yet into the realization, that it happened"

Losing someone you love, could be the worst pain a mankind could get, when he is alive. God, dare not to perform it. I still remember the innumerable times, when I used to imagine in my childhood on how worse it could be if somebody close to my heart demises and reaches the sky one day. I know it might seem absurd for you as you read this. But trust me, I had imagined the times, built the scenarios virtually only to end up crying splashing volumes and volumes of tears in reality. I would just sit in some corner, and a sudden thought (demise of anybody close to me ) would creep in my mind - to which nothing but eyes respond, bringing volumes of tears and pain and I would understand how worse losing that one person could be. It was inevitable as it happened on its own.

And since it was childhood , since it was times when we used to be not so mature , the moment as soon as such things happen , I would jump out of my seat, run to pooja room ,and pray to God in all tears . “Saaami, Saami, please, ivanga poratha ennala paaka mudiyathu, annala avangalukku munnadey na poidanum” [Dear God, I can’t bear the demise of these ppl , so please take me before them]
I used to say these exact lines so many times, that God only knew - Had he fulfilled all, I would be long dead.

But not that certain things didn’t happen. I knew my dad loves his mom so much. So much more than he loves his daughters or his wife. That we all knew, if you ask my dad, who is more important to you, your daughters or siblings or wife or mother, he would definitely say, it’s his mother. All of us knew, how much he adored his mom. It was to that extent that many a time , I used to feel, that , if one day I get a boy baby, he should love me , just like my father loved his mother.

The negative side of love is the inability to accept their departure from our life. And one day as usual, in that autumn morning, my mind went to lost thoughts and I was imagining like usual. This time, it is my grandmother. Scenes appeared in my virtual front, where my grandmother was lying astray with every daughter and son of hers flanking her and weeping like hell. She was all surrounded, with entire clan, ppl who came as such from home, ppl who couldn’t bear her demise and shattered to pieces with every tick of second. I saw my dad sitting in some corner, and I couldn’t see him in that state. It was not JUST crying, it was the worst thing I could see of my dad – he was devastated, lost, half gone, crying like hell on the earth, that I have never seen him that way. I can bear anything in this world, but I can’t see my dad cry. I would do anything for him to stop that.

I shook myself off the chair once again crying and wetting my hand kerchief, I ran to God and cried – God I can’t bear all this. Please. I know death is inevitable and I knew it leaves grief in all the intimate souls, but I can’t pray for a life of no death, or anything. So I said those words to God – “God, I know my dad loves his mother like anything, and that he could bear anything but her demise in this world, but I can’t see my dad cry at any cost, so I’m praying you this – In the worst case, when that day comes, I know it’s like hell for all of us, I know it’s excruciating, but please, my dad shouldn’t cry on that day. Please God, please do something.” I prayed and left the room after half an hour. It all happened long back in my school days , but I hold a very good memory power which I derived from my mother , so I do recollect many things which even my parents forgot of me. So I left that day, I almost stopped and forced myself to stop having such sudden imaginations in mind.

Years went by like a flash.

Eight years later, my daddy’s favorite daughter got the right age to get married, she was all ready. She was all excited to get married that year. Love was lingering in her eyes. The preparations were going on in full swing , she was running from pillar to post , getting things done for her marriage , so did her dad , busy in giving invitations to his friends and co-workers and relatives . The week started, and his favorite daughter, was about to get married in a matter of 4 days. That’s when a call came.

Call from a hospital at Tirukovilur, that said my grandmother is serious, she is in death bed, and is on ventilator now, that if they take the ventilator off, she die the very moment. We held our hearts tight that broke to pieces hearing that very statement from hospital – “Ventilator edutha avanga poiduvanga nga. Inum rendu moonu naal than thaangum”[If we take the ventilator off, she would die the very moment. Sorry, she could hardly stand for 2 -3 days ]
We were shocked, deep in grief and we stood completely blank and tightlipped on how we are going to save her. We struggled to keep her up to the maximum, we called up to our paternal uncle who stayed near to the hospital and who was with our granny that time. He picked the call and gave the phone to our grandmother. And she said those painful lines – “ammmmmuuuu…….. Ammmaadddiii…. Un kalyanatha paaka than usira kaiyila pudichittu irukken ma,,,,en raaaaaasaaathi, ni nallla irukanum”

[ My Dear, I’m holding my last breath only to see your marriage . God Bless you]

She broke to pieces , and cried like hell, uncontrollably on hearing Granny say those lines. 
She  couldn’t speak any word other than – “Paati…paaati…. Paati… onnnum aagathu ungaluku,,, you will come for my marriage.. onnum aagathu”

[Granny, Granny, nothing will  happen to you , nothing will happen to you]

That was the last line the grandmother  spoke to her, after which the call was forwarded to everyone in the  family.

A day went by and doctor gave us the hope. He told she is keeping good health now, and be better off soon. Two days went by, and she was all good, that we resumed our focus on marriage works, and everything .

The D Day was on. The bride and groom was happy, ready, all set and excited for their marriage. My uncle, who was my grandmother’s second son was with her , taking of her and ensured everything is good there and asked my dad to just focus on marriage. Somehow my grandfather managed to come for the wedding, and all of us were seated on stage, waiting for the moment of marriage. It was thirty minutes before the exact nuptial knot that my dad got a call from my uncle.

"Anna, anna ...Ammmma....amma vanthuu..... " my uncle was weeping like hell over phone.

My grandmother passed away.

My dad was in his daughter’s marriage , that was supposed to happen in another 10-20 minutes , he heard what my uncle said over call, and on the other side , he saw his daughter – she was in all smiles, waiting for the nuptial moment , with love lingering in her eyes,  saw her face that was painted with nothing but ecstasy, happiness, and abundant joy.

She looked at dad and asked  “ Ennna aachu daadddy ??”  [what happened Daddy ]

He replied ,”...... Onnu illa ma”[Nothing dear]

That moment was the most embarrassing, unpredictable, unimaginable moment of his life.  

Dad sat in panic and grief that held him tight. He didn’t cry. The marriage happened that day. He didn’t cry that whole day, the next day, the day after. He held it tight, just to hide from her.

 The worst part was nobody intimated the just married girl that her grandmother pushed the daisies. It’s only 3 days later when she was figuring out something was wrong in everyone’s face and asked her dad, “Daddy, how is grandma, is she getting back to normal, is everything fine?”

Dad was driving the car, - Still and on, not letting a word out. She was in the back seat as they were traveling back home .

Daddy?

<Silence>

Daddy??

Mmmm… Sollu ma

“Daddy, how is paati?? Is she fine, is she alright?” her  voice was shaking and eyes were narrowing

“Daddy, please tell me, is she alright? is she at least there? Is she there? Temme”

After a long silence, his voice at its lowest tone replied – “She is no more maaa”

That’s it. She was in rags, nobody could control her, she screamed like hell, in the highest of her voice, at 12 am in the mid of a road, crying like hell, breaking her head , can’t describe in words the pain  . But in the mid of her emotions outburst  she also noticed one more thing.

Her Dad Didn’t cry.

A week went by, a month passed, 4 months passed, till now, dad hasn't cried, over the loss of the most important person of his life, the demise of his own mother, who meant everything to him, who was his world, who was his life.
Not that he didn’t have feelings, but that, God played a very smart role, making it happen on a very planned day, That he took the most lovable woman and at the same time , didn’t let anyone cry over it.

It’s been six months now, still dad isn’t letting his emotions out.

I just look up to sky and ask God – “Why did you hear my words?”

To the Godly Woman who despite reaching heaven, stays in our heart intact. You'll ever be close to our heart, in there EVER.

 Love you, Granny.